Growing Up...

A lot of my blogs are about growing up, and learning whats best for us in this judgmental, regretful economy.
Job availability is a rare thing to come by around now. I know quite a few people struggling to make that big break they are in great demand for, but in the past few weeks I've learned that God has path's for us to gladly trail behind, following him in a guiltless, charmed manner. I have seen my path convert from a lonely untraveled gravel road into an array of sunshine and color! This path was not brought to me in shards of paper in the hat of peer pressure tightly grasped onto by rumors, shallowness, and despair that most children and teenagers choose from at a young age. I decided not to choose, I let God take my hand and free me onto this path thought of by him, decided by me. I've learned to follow my own crowd and do what I need to do to be successful, I don't need a hothead showing me a colorless path of wants. But God's path of needs and abundant hope. I live each day wondering whats to come with time, but why spend time wondering when you can choose the path set for you. God loves you no matter which path you choose, but its not always safer to choose the path a little less traveled.

Falling Behind the Line...

So I believe I had a thick line I set up for myself a long time ago.
See, that line was drawn in chalk, when I was really young.
Now that the torturous rains of guilt, regret, and hopefulness have come and dissipated I see my barrier as a worn down tooth pick of dreams. I mean of course I still have dreams, hopes, and goals. But my ideal way of getting to them has kind of been run down with drama, bad relationships, and family struggles. Yeah, it shouldn't all come crashing down at once, but you know what? Its life, and it sure doesn't care who you are, where you live, or how much money you make in a day//month//year// or even a lifetime, everyone's time to fail or shine comes weither your braced for the impact or not. We just have to live up to those moments and even if it changes our lives, we should just let it happen. If you go through a break-up or lose someone close, don't show God that it hurts, show him how STRONG it makes you in the process. My blogs are real struggles I've been through. I want to show the world how strong I stand even with the pain and constant confusion I have gone and am going through. Just prove them wrong, stand strong, and hold your ground. The grass always needs a trim on the other side, but how are you going to get there without a battle?

Thoughts Coming from the heart.

I find myself in a panic of escape when I catch a gimps of you deviously looking at me in a sad sense of anger or remorse. I wonder if your grudge has subsided or became stronger than ever. You look at me and see someone who tries way to hard to get the attention much needed. Yet I look at you and see a strong man able to coincide with sweet words of sorrow and create frustration over a single apology.

I am proud of the strength you show yet you still seek seeing me hurt, day after day.
But open your eyes.... I am still a strong young woman!(:

Life as I see it today...

The world seems to be coming at everyone in a very ignorant and demeaning way.
I've learned about a young woman of 22 years' life today, and you know what, she taught me something today. She showed me, that no matter how hard living in this world may become, it wont stop and change its actions like you and I can achieve in a heart felt moment. So why do I even question the past like I have a chance to change it? I know I cant go back and fix the mistakes I profoundly encouraged upon myself. But I still have hope for the future and present, so why does the past keep coming back? Does anyone else realize that it's not coming back? So why do people bring it up over and over again? I personally don't understand speaking of the past. I am a very changed young woman, and until you can see that, I'm not going to be the girl that you play mind games on anymore. Oh, and if you don't know what "mind games" are. Here is a quick definition: Mind Games- psychological manipulation or strategy, used esp. to gain advantage or to intimidate.
I know I shouldn't let it get to me. Sometimes I just want to get up and go! But why? Why do I see myself being the bigger person in every situation, its time I stand up and say whats on my mind........ JUST LET ME BE 16, Please?

Hmmmmmmmm...

It seems to be I try my hardest to say "I'm sorry" but even sorry is never good enough for him.
I mean I work so very hard to just be his friend and people go and screw everything up. Rumors are Lies and Lies aren't true. If you ask me something im not going to go and find some random story to tell you, im not going to flaunt something I don't have, and im sure not going to tell you something I don't believe is the truth.

I personally could tell you I Love You, but seeing the person you've become I know that's a lie, so I wont do it, I'll save myself from the hurt and frustration of waiting for your irrelevant excuse of an answer. Ive learned so much from you, and who you are to this day! I do have some small snide remarks to make about you, but only because you speak all of yours to the world. While I keep mine to myself, because I know its the adult thing to do. I don't need to talk up a storm of delirious lies and rumors. I wouldn't necessarily cause you hurt or anger, but I would make you question yourself in ways no other girl could possibly ever show you. Thinking upon the last few months turning 16 made an impact on my life from the day before and the days to come after, but look at me now babe. Open your eyes and see the woman I am. I may still be the same 16yr old you knew before, but I am capable of seeing bullshit before I go off believing it. Im so much more mature than you will ever be. All I need to do is say COWGIRL UP because this cowgirl is done shedding tears for your sorry bullshit.

Have a nice life Jonathan. Good-luck with drinking and smoking pot.
Youll see one day what you've become.

Left in an Empty closet to...

Ive realized a lot about my past, and its time to show it...

I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt along the lines of friends, family, and enemy's. I love the people I come in contact with, they've always left an imprint on my journey to find who I am. But you know what, I know who I am and Ive come to realize "I don't need someone to tell me or show me who I am, I wake up and look in the mirror and see the young woman Ive striven to become, to tell you the truth I'm not happy with what Ive done in the past, but my days are changing and I'm done fighting about who I'm supposed to be. I live for whats happening now and whats going on in the future, I don't need to figure out who I am anymore. God has shown me, and opened my eyes to what Ive done wrong, and what I can do to fix my mishaps I just ask for everyone's forgiveness in what Ive done to ruin relationships and friendships. I'd like to ask for certain forgiveness from MY FAMILY! I know I have been a true disappointment to them but I know they see the changes and sacrifices Ive made to be where I am right now. I love the life I live but you know what... No Body Is Perfect! Just remember that, and God will show you how close you can become to it. I know I'm not perfect and no where near it, but you know what? I am making the effort to change, and that's all anyone can do. I thank God everyday for who Ive become, I'd just like to thank everyone who has been a part of my ongoing accomplishments... Thank you for showing me the way to become the Narrator of "my life." I'm done having people write out my play book, this is my time to shine. Its my spotlight, and the crowd is waiting for me to appear and prove to them what Ive done to change, and how much of it I actually took into consideration... I'm pretty much left to drive my own path to forgiveness and I'm just about half way there...

some days seem to feel so unapealing for the next...

Some days you feel great, and would love to, lets say go for a jog, walk, hop, or maybe even a skip "if your just that kind of person."

&& other days you feel trapped in a world of despair.

Well lately I feel like neither of those things. I actually feel like an aspiring actress ready for my big break, maybe I just need a break from the drama && hardcore action of volleyball.
Being as I'm now a Lady Cougar, && not where I should be in life doesn't seem to help.
These 2 extra years of High School in a small town isn't as great as I can make it sound, as for me I find myself in a writers block wondering if i should quit now, or stride for something greater than what my family expects of me? Hmmm, now do you see where I fit into this black sheep mentality.
My family is made up of great's && I feel destined to sit in the stands as their careers unfold into a full blown rage when their goals come flying && they knock it out of the park while I stand hoping that those goals I set aren't higher than I can really bat.
I guess what im trying to say is... With a Father honorably discharged from the U.S Military, a Mother who is a wonderful Web Designer with great eye for talent, a Step-Mom who has idea's unimaginable to Einstein, a Step-Dad who's got everything to live for , && brothers who know nothing more than to do as expected in school. I feel designated to follow in their footsteps.
Yet I cant focus in school, never makes good grades, && dont even have my permit.

What does life have in store for me this school year?
Hopefully something of great success, because another year of failure isn't great for a girl with self esteem like mine.

Well I am going to keep my head held high like my nose is bleeding from my set goals beating me to the turn around in the outfield.

Think with your heart not always your brain.
Learn from me, and I will learn from you.

Love;
Ashlee-Marie